WARNING: Reading this may lead you to believe that you are smarter than me. In case you have this feeling, you are advised not to be deluded by it. The feeling, it has been proved is by itself a clear indicator this I am smarter than You. All your strong "feelings" are welcome (in the comments box only).
Becoming fat is not as easy as it sounds. It takes a set of carefully choreographed events in a definite period of time to happen...All this while you act accordingly in each of these events. There is a high probability of you failing to meet the standards and practices required to reach the above goal. You will need no perseverance, a little coincidence and lots of shitty luck.
STEP !
Screw Up...The first step is the hardest to achieve as most of us are incapable of doing so. Its like, its embedded in your gene to bypass screwing up. You will fly past, crawl through or just walk past it. So here, to meet your goal, you must slow down and let the Great Spirit of Screw Up take control.
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FOR ORDERS CALL 1800 -SCREW UP
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Now that you have junked up in the real world, its time to set out on the greater goal. After you have successfully completed objective 1, you will find yourself in a load of canned tomato soup. For the First week or so you may end up forgetting about your goal. This is a positive sign as your productivity levels will drop to almost zero. You will have little appetite, sleep or social life. You are bound to have lots of mental activity and very less physical activity. In short, you will numb your brain out by thinking way too much but you will end up conserving lots of physical energy which is essential for the later parts . As time passes, you will find yourself re-focusing on your goal.
STEP @
Assuming you have completed STEP !, you can proceed to STEP @. This step happens to be a lot easier as it will come spontaneously. Make sure you are living with your parents because whatever happens or doesn't happen, you are bound to find Chips, Coke and a Computer. These three things are the most important ingredients as they help in slowing down your mental and physical processes.
Always make sure that Coke and Chips are in constant supply.
THIS IS SERIOUSLY GETTING VERY LAME. MUST DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT
STEP #
Food...The key to a healthy diet is change. Experiment with different combination's. Try ordering a large pizza and then save it in the fridge. Heat up portions of it and eat at regular intervals. Regular Coffee breaks in between help break the stress of the routine. All parts of the brain except the one that makes vital food related decisions can remain dormant through out the entire course of the activity. When eating ice cream, always remember to serve yourself with a thick layer (about an inch) of chocolate sauce on top. Maintain the layer constantly throughout the exercise.
All food must be accompanied by Chocolate Sauce and Cheese Spread.
I SHOULD HAVE GONE AND PLAYED FOOTBALL..
Drink...Cola is the drink of choice as it contains a fair amount of sugar molecules and caffeine. If you are not still not happy with the amount of sugar intake, you can alternate between orange soda and coke as fanta contains more sugar. Diet anything is totally off limits.
Its safe to buy coke in insanely large quantities as it is a great investment option. Be sure to buy at least 5000 liters of coke. All this can be stored in the emptied water tank on top of your terrace. Red Bull is recommended every now and then as it will make you slightly hyper and you will eat a little more.
STEP $
The Internet...This is a the greatest boon for any enthusiast keeping in mind that the original bull crap generating machine (The TV) is almost dead. The Internet is filled with so much use less bull crap that 15 minutes of looking in the right places will delude you into a munching guzzling hyper drive.
Here are some great places to start off.
for inspiration (RIGHT CLICK AND OPEN IN A NEW TAB)
The Greatest Music Video EVER
for everything else (RIGHT CLICK AND OPEN IN A NEW TAB)
The Greatest Cartoon EVER
I AM GIVING UP RIGHT HERE..THIS SERIOUSLY IS THE LIMIT.
STEP %
Music and Movies...Movies are a must. After Food and the obvious and essential after effect called sleep, Movies are next in the line. You must train yourself to watch all kinds of movies. Great ones, Good ones, Bad ones, The ones you don't mention to other people, really shitty ones, Ones that make you feel "AHH..what have i done wrong" or "Forgive me, for i have sinned"......etc.
By the end of each of movie, you will have developed a healthy routine of eating fair quantities of fats and sugars and not know about it.
Music...If you are the kind who listens to to Shaggy, then i recommend to you stick by him and his kind. The Less said the better. For everyone else, who don't happen to be the product of a retarded fish-frog and a plankton, Pink Floyd and Doors will convince you that whatever you are doing is the greatest thing in the world. I would've recommended Children of Bodom but that is a too much head banging so it really doesn't fit the required requirements.
(but on a more serious note, these bands really were the greatest at what they did)
STEP ^
Sleep...A healthy 16 to 19 hours a day is recommended for best results. And in any case, the amount of physical stress exerted by all that guzzling is bound to make you drowsy.
Don't Panic if you suddenly find out on one fine late evening that parts of your body will not respond to the only semi active part of your brain. This generally is an indicator that your goal is just around the corner, and that you can safely continue to roll in that nice big cushion that has miraculously formed around you....
So by now, i am absolutely sure that no one is convinced and that this is just more junk being added to an already filthy place. But seriously, after 1,127 words i can proudly (am i ?) say that this is my greatest literary achievement yet. If you have reached this far, i can confidently say that you have just read the highest order of the lowest BS..
About 3 years from now (the so called intelligible human race will be reduced to robots and will be ruled by either otters or plankton from Spongebob Squarepants) this will be considered the greatest thing ever created as it contains hidden references of every great pop culture.
I AM WAITING FOR @)!@ (caps lock turned on)
I have just not made any sense, have I?
Atre...
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